I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
