I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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