i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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