wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize