Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
