My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize
