I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
just tell him i said nine months
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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