Where did you get a picture of my penis
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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