If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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