Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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