I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
