fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I am available for nakedness
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize