How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
