11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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