you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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