The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
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