You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
The uberlube is also flammable
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
