May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
