cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
