i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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