he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
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