GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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