i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
