He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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