yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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