That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
He did a backflip because drugs
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