Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
