she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
