they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
