I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
