My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Randomize
