Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
