I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
