I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Randomize
