Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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