You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
