Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
