Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
