Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Randomize
