Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I could have mohawked her pubes.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
