Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Houston, we have a squirter
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Randomize
