Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
