Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
