I molested 6 butterflies tonight
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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