i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
