I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
