I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize