If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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