my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
