she woke up with a sticky ear
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
