i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
