shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
