when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
