Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Randomize
