Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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