M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
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