New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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